I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
