Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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