i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
