you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
