last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
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