having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
