So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
