Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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