I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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