I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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