My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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