I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize