I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
