just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
