I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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