I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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