i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
