she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
