i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
