I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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