Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
