Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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