I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize