I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
