Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
