Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
