I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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