Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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