Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
