Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
