hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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