chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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