just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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