Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
