gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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