we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
