this beer tastes like vomit already
time to smoke my breakfast
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
