speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
