Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize