the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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