Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
