So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
