fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he high fived his dick after we had sex
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
