she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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