Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
