You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
