'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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