my soul wont recognize me after tonight
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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