I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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