took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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