My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize