Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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