shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
