I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
