she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
