Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
