someone owes me an orgasm
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is wine microwaveable?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
