sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
