ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
