God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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