ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
