Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
