I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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