ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
